Something very strange happened this morning.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had questions about all that is Christianity buried inside of me. Those questions have seeped out over time, but were for the most part suppressed. This left me in a kind of drab situation where I tried religiously to be a man of God. As I’ve stated before, that approach wasn’t working.
For the past 1.5 years, I’ve decided to let those questions surface. It was almost as if my misery in not questioning finally surpassed my fear of God’s corrective actions for asking these questions. However, just the opposite of corrective punishment happened–God lovingly provided answers to my most troubling quandaries.
These answers didn’t come in an expected form. It isn’t like I asked, “What color is the sky?” and he answered, “blue.” It was more like I asked, “How do I draw closer to you?” and his response was, “I love you.”
I know that might not make much sense from an outside perspective, but that’s the most direct way to explain it.
I got to a point of religious burnout where I pleaded a simple, but heartfelt, request–“No matter the cost, even my life, I just want to draw closer to you Jesus.” Since then, I’ve allowed all of those troubling questions to be voiced. The answers I kept getting were along the lines of, “Don’t you understand? I love you.” This led me to trying to figure out what this “love” thing is.
I’ve come to see that it isn’t about a romantic feeling or even an uncontrolled response such as “falling in love.” It’s a very deliberate action.
God is love. And that love encompasses us.
I carried on conversations in my head with God (aka praying) throughout the past several months. As I began to truly understand and experience that real love that I never could comprehend before, those questions I had all my life began to find explanations.
I use to wake up every morning with a new topic in my mind that I would discuss all day with God. To my surprise, I awoke this morning with no real questions about God anymore but just a contentment of living in his presence.
This is not to say that I comprehend and can explain him.
This is not to say that I can give an answer to any question.
This is not to say that I will never have another question.
However, I’m starting to see, believe, and experience that God really is love and this has freed me in ways that I can’t describe. Maybe I’m not “there” yet, but I’m starting to see how it is possible to truly love others like Jesus does, even for an introverted, logical, cold, calculating person like me.
Much of my writing has been inspired by the questions I’ve had. This is the first time in my entire life, even from my earliest childhood memories, that I truly don’t have a question suppressed somewhere inside. The best I can explain it is “God is love” is the answer.
Don’t be afraid to ask good humbly what’s in your head and, more importantly, what’s in your heart. God is love, and he wants all of his children to know his heart of love.