Monthly Archives: April 2015
Not at all what I expected
My walk with God has not been at all what I was led to expect. I’ve always only known living a Christian life as following all the rules as they’ve been presented. This never fulfilled me though. The harder I tried to be “good” the worse I felt. It was never really working anyways, my faults were only pushed deeper inside.
Yes, I prayed. Yes, I read the Bible. Yes, I attended every meeting. I checked all the Christian boxes. I took active roles in the congregation. I did it all and I still ended up dead inside despite my longing to be closer to God in a real, unhindered relationship of love.
At a point in my convictions, at a point where I tried everything, at a point where I couldn’t attend one more service without experiencing that promised relationship with God, at a point I couldn’t try any harder, at a point I couldn’t give any more—that is when I just openly, un-piously, cried out to Jesus to make sense of all the right things I was doing that still left me barren inside.
And he answered.
The journey over the past couple of years has been absolutely amazing. It’s been like learning to fly when the ground has been ripped from beneath me. Yet, out of habit, I’m still trying to feel for the ground.
I’m no longer tethered by shackles. Those images I always envisioned of the chains falling away finally came to be, but not because I did what I was told by others to obtain that freedom. In fact, a real relationship with Jesus is almost contradictory to most of what I was told. Jesus will come to us right where we’re at, but it often involves hitting rock bottom in our ways before we truly let go and let him work in us.
But don’t you think Satan is tricking you? Of coarse I’ve considered this. This wasn’t a decision I made lightly. Most with my personality don’t speak their point of view without very careful consideration. “Satan” has no means to embrace with love the way Jesus has. I can understand why people are so concerned when they are still tied down by institutional obligations and their livelihood depends on that. I can understand those who would rather stick with the familiar and have been made afraid that their salvation will no longer be affirmed if they make the slightest deviation. None of that is really living though, not like Jesus taught.
For me, the love of Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit has driven out all fear of such punishment, because there is no fear in love (1 John 4:18).
Regardless of the persecution I may receive—especially from the religious—I will continue to follow God. I will continue to sympathize with those he has led me to, even though they’ve been cast off and labeled by everyone else. Everyday, God is revealing new things to me, some of which bring me to tears (and I’m not a very emotional person). I see people who’ve been hurt, abused, and lied to. All their hope in a loving God has been torn away because they’ve been led to believe lies about our loving Father. They’ve been presented with a god that more resembles Satan. A god that would require fear, hatred, manipulation, bigotry, racism, violence, murder, and, oh yeah, the almighty dollar.
Jesus represents the Father yet didn’t represent any of this stuff, regardless of how it’s candy-coated (John 14:7).
I’ve come to be more comfortable with the “tax collectors and prostitutes” than with the religious elite. I’m beginning to understand, in some small part, why Jesus related more to those isolated by religiosity than those propping up a system that was in their best worldly interests to propagate. I still love those people, but to be brutally honest, it’s hard to even have a conversation anymore with all of the religious posturing and presumptions.
This isn’t at all what I expected. I thought climbing the ladder of religion would get me close to God. Instead, I find his presence more with those who have been isolated, ignored, condemned, or otherwise despised as moral abominations to avoid lest salvation be lost. Praising God that I’m not like “them” never drew me any deeper into a relationship with Father (because in actuality, I am like them)(Luke 18:11-12).
I don’t write these things out of anger or to shame anyone. I write them because they are often glossed over and coated with religious pleasantries. These things seem to hurt God’s heart, yet are held to as a religious standard of exclusivity. I write, because of the great sadness I see in others and the burden on my heart. I write for those who feel trapped, burdened, and who are just playing along so they aren’t condemned.
I write these things because I would rather die following Jesus than to be comfortably miserable in a loveless religion.
Jesus died for our sins
I know this is a long one, but in order to state my point, I first need to explain my overall view of the story God unfolds in the Bible. If you just want to know my main point, please feel free to skip to the last paragraph.
This is a statement that most people know about that have heard of Jesus. It’s also one of the taglines used when presenting the Gospel to others—Jesus died for our sins. It’s presented, though, as a transaction. Jesus did something, now we have to do something in return to make the transaction “work.” While ever so subtle, this contradicts the concept of God’s grace as a gift to be freely received and lived. Instead, the view is upheld of a process to fulfill to receive grace other than just accepting it. Parameters are established to delineate what a “good” Christian is versus an otherwise damned person.
For most of my life, I’ve believed that Jesus died because there had to be a punishment for sin and that God couldn’t be holy if there wasn’t. However, God makes the rules and is sovereign to do what he wants. Jesus forgave sins without any kind of sacrifice (Mark 2:5), and he even gave the disciples authority to do the same (John 20:23). It seems that even some of the religious leaders acknowledged that God could forgive sins outright (Mark 2:6-7). Likewise, Abraham was righteous because he believed in God and not because of anything Abraham, himself, did (Genesis 15:6).
Now, there are many considerations and many roads this discussion can take. Jesus died to prove his love and prove that we don’t have to fear death. This is very true, but there’s still something that bothered me. I still had the question of why like that. As I thought about it more, I also realized that he was practicing what he preached—love for enemies (Matt 5:43-44), not using evil to defeat or repay evil (Matt 5:39), and self-sacrifice (John 15:13). These are all great points and part of living a full life of following Jesus, but the question still remained—why like that? Why in such a gruesome manner? Why as a sacrificial lamb?
First, these two verses, God speaking through the prophet Isaiah, and Jesus repeating this in his own words:
The Lord said, “Because this people draws near with their mouth and honors me with their lips, but they have removed their heart far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment of men which has been taught—Isaiah 29:13 (emphasis mine)
You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying,‘These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honor me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. And in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrine rules made by men.’—Matt 15:7-9 (emphasis mine)
It seems there were two sets of rules—the ones God established (The Ten Commandments) and Israel’s written interpretation of those that they stated “God said.”
Jesus further hints that it wasn’t really God doing these things. Moses compromised with the people in some cases because of the hardness of their hearts:
They asked him, “Why then did Moses command us to give her a certificate of divorce, and divorce her?”
He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been so.—Matt 19:7-8
(note: This appears to be different than divorce today. It would seem men could divorce their wives on a whim without any consent or consideration for the women.)